What Awaits Ahead?
by AlwaysPeetaM
Summary: Peeta's journey back into life again. He leaves the Capitol station and heads back home where he has to face the challenges that lay ahead. "We are all broken. Previously it was Haymitch, Katniss and I that were broken now Effie is part of our collective, she's joined us. Whether she likes it or not she didn't get a choice." Book cover by @peetas.spear
1. Chapter 1 Heading Home

Hi dear readers! I'm excited about this fanfiction. I hope you are regards to the setting of this fanfiction it's set during Mockingjay of course and story will reflection events occurred during the trilogy. Thank you for reading! Enjoy! :D

 _Day 1 –Heading Home_

Effie and I are at the station. She couldn't let me go without a goodbye of course. Everything about changed her apart from her bubbly personality. She's not the Effie from the Reaping or the Quarter Quell. Her face is glowing, shimmering under the afternoon sun and her eyes sparkle with blossom pink. There are no bold, theatrical colours on her. Her hair twisted into this bun at the top. It's beautiful. I've never seen her like that. I know she's Effie alright but the transformation is just astounding really. So this is the real Effie.

Life as she knew it is gone. I feel sad for her. So much has changed since the last time we were together. We are all changed but we're still here while others aren't. I can sense that's where our thoughts linger.

"Your so strong my dear, so strong. You and Katniss you've had so much pain." She brushes the tears away with her finger, "while I know it'll never go away. I hope. I hope that from the pain and the ashes something new will be forged. I believe in you. I'm always rooting for you, my two little victors."

She regards me with her head tilted to the side. "I guess your not so little any more. You're grown and yet to me. To me you'll always be my two little darlings. You know. My two little love birds. You go home and you love her. You just give her those strong arms of yours and we'll walk right into them. Or just sweep her into your arms."

I shake my head. I'm not so sure any such thing can happen. Who knows what state Katniss is in and if she even wants to see me?

"My dear Effie, knows what she's talking about. Just you listen with those perky ears of yours."

She has a real sense of humour. I wonder if Haymitch knows this Effie. I guess not but I think he'd like her. I have a nudging feeling he'd enjoy it and this Effie, post-war Effie too. Actually, I think he'd like her a lot. I'll have to do something about it. I have plenty of days ahead of me.

"So the plan is you go home and you show her that the sun still shines outside the doors of her house. You have to get her to see it, feel it."

I frown at her. On the surface her words are gentle, subtle but the implication is there. Katniss isn't well. She's lost hope. I guess she's lost in the landscape of devastation. It's been months. I've been here all this time and I've had no contact with her. No contact whatsoever.

"Haymitch he does what he can. He's set in his ways, it's the only thing he knows." She ringtails around the truth I can tell, being cautious. This is true but there's more she isn't telling me.

"We threw him off" I say which makes her laugh. It's nice to hear. I don't recall hearing it before. Maybe it's gone from my memory.

"You'll try wouldn't you?" She gives up trying to stop her tears.

"Of course I wouldn't" I don't say maybe that wouldn't even be enough but i know it would just distress her even more to hear it.

"I'm always here. Please. Reminder."

"Oh Effie. Of course we will. I can speak for myself that I'll be in touch regularly and update you. And not just because you have access to things in the Capital but because I'd like to say we are more then friends, more then a team but a family. A dysfunctional one but a family nevertheless." She gasps out and starts sobbing even harder.

"You think of me as family? That's the most wonderful thing anyone has said to me. You sweet boy."

"We love you Effie. I'm sorry that you're being left alone. That I'm leaving too now."

She jest fully slaps my shoulder. "Oh sweet, sweet boy. I guess I'm. I'll miss you all. But you're all alive and I'm grateful for that. Ever so grateful. I'll greatly miss Cinna and Portia. They were such a talented duo. Cinna was such a talented, such a courageous man. A real loss not just to the world, to those that loved them – to us. He had so much more to give. They both did. I'm truly sorry they aren't with us today. That they'd never see the future. Their deaths made this new world possible." I pull her into a hug. This woman right here has treated me better then my mother and I can't help but feel sad leaving her.

While I board the train to go home I'm also heading into the unknown. I haven't been home in months. I know the district is in devastation and the bakery is gone. My home, the place where I spent my youth it's gone. Just gone.

I'm sad to leave Effie in this world that is so broken, ravished and a city of rumble so distant from the place she knew. We are all broken. Previously it was Katniss, Haymitch and I that were broken now Effie is part of our collective, she's joined us. Whether she likes it or not she didn't get a choice. I really do love her and just like that I start to cry. My tears hit her shoulders.

"I don't want to spoil your top."

"Hush. None of that talk. Who knows when I'll see you again."

"You will Effie."

We part and she checks the train schedule.

"It'll be here anytime now, my darling. Whisking you away from me."

"You're strong Effie. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise."

She blushes. "I wouldn't. Don't forget our talk when you get home."

"I wouldn't I promise." She smiles at me.

"These are just some little tiny things for my victors."

"Oh Effie you shouldn't have."

"It just wouldn't do and I couldn't let you board that train with nothing. Just the shiver though gives me chills my dear."

I chuckle as I hug her once again. I wouldn't miss the capital but I'll miss Effie. Who thought I would be saying that. To miss Effie the escort of the district twelve tributes. She's no longer an escort and we've all done things we aren't proud of – things that we had to do that haunt is. I can't hold it against her. I know nothing about the life she had, the choices that lead her here. I do know that it was a world where we had choices, which really weren't much choice's at all really. She presents me with a bag of presents. I take it from her and smile. She's got a beautiful smile I wonder if Haymitch has noticed. A plan to keep me busy someday soon.

The train pulls into the station and she kisses my forehead. This simple affectionate gesture makes me feel like a little kid. My own mother never did this. Oh I'll miss Effie greatly with her constant schedules, bossiness and cheerfulness – as well as spirit.

"What I'm going to do without you to so far way?"

"I promise we'll keep you busy. One day or another."

She laughs at that and something bursts in my chest. Maybe we'll all be alright. I can hope.

I board the train, Effie' standing on the platform watching one of her victors leave. How things have changed. There's just Effie to say goodbye to me and there's not a camera in sight for this victor. I thank my lucky stars that this is the case. I leave my bags and go to the window to wave goodbye to her. A memory flashes in my mind of standing at the train window waving. I'm standing there smiling, a young boy smile. I know it's the first train, seeing the capital and waving to the crowd awaiting us. I wave at Effie.

The train starts to pull away. Everything is exactly how I remember it, just like entering another world. It's comforting though. With all that has changed around me this one like thing is a great comfort. An anchor to the life I had before.

A life that was real and grim. I wonder what's expecting me when I get back home.


	2. Chapter 2 Train Ride

Dear readers! Here is the update! It took me a little longer than expected. The next update will be faster! I hope you enjoy this chapter. The italics are flashbacks and also they isn't anything graphic in them. Just a heads up. Enjoy! Thank you for the follows! :D

I'm back on the train that bought me to the Capitol all that time ago. The train was filled with more food than I've ever seen in my whole life. The amount of food could have feed my family for months or Katniss' for even longer. There were things I've never seen let alone tasted before. I don't even know what some of the things were, but they looked delicious. There were such grand dishes with ingredients from all over the districts.

I remember the smell of all those dishes infusing together. I was captivated. My eyes glided over them taking in the arrangements, the ingredients, the smell of the dishes. It was like being transported into another world. A feast fit for a king except that I was a peasant who was heading for the slaughter.

Now once again surrounded by the same. It's as if all the smells they bring me back and I feel something tighten, build up, and knot inside me.

 _I'm trapped behind a door. Katniss' laugh rings loud. It echoes against the fancy decorated walls of the train. I can't get out and it makes my heart thump against my chest. It's as if her hunter's senses hear it and the laughter gets louder. Everything glistens._ Their eyes, the rim of Haymitch's glass, the bracelet around on his wrist and Katniss' teeth.

My head hurts. Not real, not real. I collapse onto the sofa.

 _They're sitting together on the opposite sides of this exact sofa laughing at me, conspiring together, scheming. I'm still in that room with the door locked. No matter how much I keep trying the door handle it's all the same. I push at it but it doesn't move. I hit it hard with my hands but nothing happens. Nobody comes. I collapse onto the floor in my own tears, a puddle of my tears._

I feel the movement of the train under my feet. I need to focus. I need to focus on that. Get myself back.

As I return to the room and my eyes come into focus I see the face of a young man peering at me. I see recognition flash across his eyes. He knows who I'm. He's seen the things I've done. I don't see hate in his eyes but worry is etched across his youthful features. He's worried about me.

I wave off his apology with my hand. "Nothing to worry about. Not all at. Even though I'm a victor…only because someone helped me." I still as I recognise the words. These words. I've heard them before. They are Katniss' words. I smile. Of course it's true.

I clear my throat. "If I could just have some water that'll be great."

He nods and hurries away from me. I exhale deeply. I wonder what would happen to him if something happened to me on his watch. I can imagine the capitol headlines. Avox leaves Victor Mellark dying. Avox watches on as Victor Mellark struggles for his life. All fabricated, but the capitol people would be so riled up that if they knew who he was they would stone him, collectively stone him to death probably.

We are no longer in that world. I need to remember. How do I keep forgetting these fundamental things? The worlds changed. Snow is dead. Katniss is alive. I'm alive. There are no more games. No more children who'll be reaped, no more children will die. I need to remember.

The Avox reappears with the glass of water.

"Thank you." I manage. He nods and excuses himself.

I'm glad to be left on my own really. I don't feel like being sociable in the least. It's been too long I've been kept under guard and under observation for all this time. I can't remember the last time I was alone without the eyes of doctors and therapists on me. It has to be weeks, no maybe months. The latter is probably true I guess. I had no way to mark time and I don't think I was really supposed to. I was taking things one day at a time. Even if they had told me it wouldn't have made any difference to me expect to wonder about what was going on outside which was the last thing Dr. Aurelius wanted me to do.

I think back to what he said about triggers from the different emotional ebbs I'll experience now I'm heading home. It's inevitable. The important thing is to realise that whatever memory is triggered it's most likely not real, twisted in some way, not in it's true pure form. I guess like the memory of Haymitch and Katniss laughing. I know it's false. For one I know that they were both protecting me. Haymitch was fair. He never took just my side or just hers when it came to it. Expect when I asked him. When I asked him to save her, save her every time instead of me. The other thing is those two they aren't ones for laughter. Scowling was their thing.

I know the flashback it's all a manifestation. A manifestation of the fear, my ultimate fear which is Katniss leaving me, being unwanted, silenced. It took me a while to get to the root of it now that I think of it I wonder why maybe I didn't want to face the truth.

I feel tired. I can't stand on my feet. My head is swaying. They wouldn't laugh at me. We were a team. We are, we are. I know they wouldn't. Haymitch looked out for us both. He did the best he could with the odds. I wonder how he's been these past few months. I bet drunk as usual sleeping with his knife. He's trying to forget all that's happened. How ironic he's trying to forget while I'm trying so very hard to remember even some of the smallest things.

I'm exhausted. The best thing would be to lie down. The couch looks very comfortable. No not on the coach. It'll stay clear of the couch. My mind is clouded enough without the false vision. I think it'll go to my room, crawl under the covers and try to put together all the fragmented parts of me.

I'm a baker, painter, a victor, a tribute, a friend, a son, a sacrifice, a pawn and I was hijacked. I'm someone who's broken. This is who I'm now. The world changed but so did I. I changed even if didn't want it or ask for it. I down the water and set the cup on the table. The mahogany table. There's something about this table but it doesn't come to the surface. I feel it somewhere clogged in my mind, I hope it comes to me.

I eye some of the glazed doughnuts with colourful sprinkles but my stomach heaves at the sight of them though they look delicious. Maybe latter I'll be ok to have one. They look so delicious. It's been such a long since I've had such calorie loaded goods. I miss it.

I have no trouble getting to my room and into the bathroom. I wash my face at the sink and I see my face reflected in the mirror. The water drops running down and dripping of skin. I realise for the first time how clammy I'm. Your ok Peeta. Your doing great. One step at a time. Baby steps. I fiddle with the settings on the shower, undress quickly, and get in. The water feels cold but it makes me alert. A sense of clarity comes to me followed by relief, a great sense of relief that, I haven't completely lost myself.

I expect the drawers to be empty, but they aren't to my surprise there's several outfits in each. I bet its Effies doing since Portia can't have made these. It's too early to remember and too raw for me to separate who she was from the way she death. I push myself toward and somehow manage to put the pyjamas on without tangling or injuring myself. Another relief, no matter how small, it's a little victory. The pyjamas are soft and comforting.

I eye the bed wearily. I wonder what nightmares real or unreal await me in sleep. The craving to lie down is too great and I crawl into the bed.

My mind is alert now. It's better alert than clouded by false visions.

I sigh. Everything I know is gone. Almost everyone I do know is gone. My family is gone, no matter how dysfunctional it was. I'm no longer the boy I used to be. This is my life now and I have to try to navigate it somehow. What I'm going to do? I have not idea what to expect from anything at all.

Back in the capitol I had an allotted time to watch the news, the updates on the war. Dr. Aurelius wanted me to stay in touch with the outside world so I knew what was going on. He couldn't let me go blind like that.

It was in one of those broadcasts I saw Prim's face. I saw Prim die, flames engulfed her and then there was no Prim. Just fire and death.

I walked out after, I retreated to my room and I drew her in all the different ways I remembered her as a sister, as a daughter, as a little girl, as a friend and a healer. Now gone from the world. Just gone.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have let Katniss die. I took her opportunity away. It was what she wanted. I stopped her. I intervened. I just couldn't. I couldn't let her go, couldn't face my life without her.

A world without her. A world she was gone from and I was left with Haymitch. It was just Haymitch and I.

She was the thing, the piece of string I held onto, just like Prim was hers. This isn't what we asked for but life doesn't give us a choice Dr. Aurelius said to me. There are choices we can make I retorted. He responded with yes of course but that's an entirely different matter. I think he knew what I was referring to. The fact that Katniss hasn't chosen to really be with me, she didn't choose to love me. She chose for it to be an act, all of it rather than love me. While she might have let me into her life it was a partial choice. Yet she chose to save me instead of killing me. She's made such choices again and again.

Just like that the memory comes to me. I open my eyes after I hit the force field and I see her eyes frantic. There are sobs rocking through her. I'd never seen her like that. In the tunnels her small hunter's fingers stroked my hair. We protect each other. I think I understand. I understand now that she didn't have time to think about choices. She couldn't, she had no time for choices. There was just get her family feed and surviving another day. Getting food to the table, feeding her family that's what her days consist of, surviving. There was no other way. Her family was everything to her. Not much like mine I think. I know I remember that right. We'll have a winner this year. But it wouldn't be you she might as well have said. It hurt all the same. The implication was clear.

I wonder how they would have felt at my return and all that's happened to me. Would they have gone on as before? Dad sneaked away sometimes. My brothers never visited me and just made awkward, mediocre conversation. When I was I the bakery I made small talk to keep the tension down. My winnings couldn't have them like Katniss' family. Money can't buy you love. Of course I know. No matter how much I gave I was always treated the same. It hurts. The realisation hurt. After I realised that I had never been loved like I should have. Dad loved me but he never tried to stop her. To do anything about it.

It wasn't my fault.

Now they are gone.

That wasn't my fault either.

Tears spill from my eyes and I don't try to wipe them away. I look over to the window and sunset is approaching. The glow of the sun is making the landscape glow like the embers of the fire. It's beautiful. I'm alive and heading home. It hits me I'm going home once after all. It really is a different world.

I'll draw this so I never forget it. I'll commit this train ride to my memory. I want to see the landscape, but I know the train is going to fast, so there's no point of bothering. My head sinks into the pillow.

I wonder if she ever looked at me? Did she ever like anything or any part of me? Why do those thoughts pop into my head? I think she did. What fact do I have for that? Well she wouldn't kill me. She wanted me to stay with her. She stroked my head. I flinched from her touch. It hurt. My heart wrenched inside my chest. I wanted to sob, but I just lay in her lap my body numb, with my heart devastated. A land of devastation. In Tigris' basement she took care of my wounds.

The girl I loved who I spent my days with but was never with her with. I was just there. I kissed her for the camera and I put my arms around her but she didn't want or chose that. She didn't love me. When I had dream about these things I had dreamt them to be real. I hadn't wanted it to be like that. I didn't want her to have to endure and accept my kisses. I also didn't want to give them like that. I held her so close, but she didn't want any of that and neither did I, not like that. It wasn't real because she didn't love me. I didn't want to kiss her like that. She didn't want any of that from me, didn't ask for it, except for the comfort at night. I spend all those days with her in such proximity to her, my heart loving her and holding her at night but knowing that she didn't want me, she didn't choice or return those feelings. It hurt. The knowing. I had just wanted her to love me. She walled herself off, she pulled away, and we didn't talk. She needed me but that's not the same as loving somebody. I know.

Down in the tunnels the moment she voluntarily touched me, put her hands on me and when she kissed me that was all her. She did something to my heart. Why did she kiss me? Was it out of need, desperation? If so why did she feel those in the first place? I'm not sure. I don't know.

Why didn't I let her take the night lock? Why did I stop her from existing this world forever?

I couldn't. I couldn't because I love her. I love her.

I feel a memory floating around my mind, but I'm drifting. My eyes are closing. The covers feel so soft, and so comforting. She's still alive I think as sleep takes me away.

 _The sun streams in through the window. Katniss is in bed head. I'm drawing in a book. We are happy. I feel her eyes on me. She's watching me I realise. The realisation gives me a rush. My heart races. I pretend I can't notice because I don't want her to stop. I like it. The book it's her family's plant book. One of her few treasured possessions she has. I look at her and she looks away out of the window. I smile to myself. This is happiness._

I wake up short of breath and I remember everything. The peacekeepers, the chess game with Haymitch, Katniss arriving home late having hurt herself, the cover up story of Lad and the days we spend together during her recovery. That was one of my best days.

There was no choice then. Now she has one and I'll wonder what she'll choose.

Tomorrow I'll arrive home.

I hope. I have hope. I have hope for life even if it's tiny. I drift away into sleep again.

Nightmares of Katniss dying plague me. Haymitch holds her lifeless in his arms. Nothing can be done. It's too late. She's gone.

I wake up clammy. I climb into the shower with the pyjamas and let the cold water run over me.

I have hope. I lean my head against the wall. I have hope.


	3. Chapter 3: District 12, my home

Hello my dear readers! This update took me much longer then expected and it turned out much longer too! I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it my dear readers. Thank you for the follows. I love to receive reviews and dms too! So don't be shy :). Now happy reading!

The train pulls into District 12 in deep night. It's the middle of the night but I feel alert. There's no way I could miss the trains coming, pulling into the station. The moment I arrive home. Home. I'm finally home. I'm home at last.

I have no idea what's waiting for me here but I'm moving forward so that's a good thing. I'm all on my own now. The only difference to before is that my family is dead.

The Avox has already got my bags and uploading them. I could have done it but I don't protest. I bet he's glad to busy himself. Routine is a comfortable thing, a comforting thing I know that.

I look out the window one last time before I get off. I don't expect anybody no family or cameras are here for me this time. There's just darkness greeting me. I can't see spot one thing under the cover of darkness. Now I understand why I was scheduled for this train ride home. In the darkness of night there's no chance I can see the devastation brought upon my district, my home. A sigh of relief escapes me. The devastation would be hidden under the blanket of darkness, for me to face another day. A day when I decide I'm ready. I'm thankful for this act of kindness on Effie's part. I know Dr. Aurelius, had let Effie know my treatment at the Capitol had come to an end, and let her make the train arrangements. That is one of Effie's expertise's not something Dr. Aurelius would know about. He's never been outside the Capitol and out in the districts.

It's a different world now. I repeat to myself once again.

It's time to get off the train. The air feels hot and stuffy around me. I want to step outside. I'm ready to step outside, I know I'm Dr. Aurelius made sure of that. He made sure I was ready and safe. It was safe.

I step outside and the chilly pre-dawn air engulfs me. The smell of coal is in the air just as I remember it.

I'm home. I repeat it again. So many emotions rush through me that I can't separate them. I sigh. I never expected to make it back home alive. That's a feeling, no an expectation I've had more than once in the past year. Has it been a year or has it been longer? Time has become blurred in my mind, somewhat.

I stand on the platform and spot the Avox standing by my bags. I've been holding him up. I rush forward.

"Thank you very much." I feel bad I have no money to offer him. The Avox gives me a smile I return before he ducks back into the train. Sometimes a smile can do a lot for somebody. At least I can give him that.

Just I'm standing by my bags on the platform when something rushes at me. I've been captured in a tight hold. I'm being gripped. Gripped intensely. Am I being attacked? Is this the last moment before I die? Is this station the last thing I'll see? Is this the last breath I'll take? The panic makes me freeze but I'm still breathing. I'm not dying. I'm not dying. What's going on? I become aware of the arms. They are around me, embracing me. This is a hug. A hug. I'm being hugged. Somebody is holding me.

As I inhale my nose catches the faint smell of liquor and I know. I know who this is. I know who it is. It's Haymitch. My arms go around him.

"Boy I thought I lost you. I though I'd never see this day." The realisation that he's here for me brings tears to my eyes. I have no words. I never expected anybody. Haymitch doesn't let go of me.

"Sweetheart and I, we're a right pair without you. I don't know who has the worst nightmares. Not like it's a frequented my nightmares. You can't imagine and I wouldn't want you too. I should have been clutching a dagger instead of a knife. I'll give you that."

Once again so many emotions rush at me. Haymitch's presence and his words they make my heart sore with emotions.

"Thank you Haymitch." He chuckles.

"Boy they really got your silver tongue in the Capitol. What you thanking me for? I haven't done anything."

"For being here, right now. For saving her." He lets go of me and looks me in the eyes for the first time.

"You can forgo all this thanking business. Between your thanks, apologies, sweethearts owning and my drunkenness' I haven't got a wisp of time for a hobby."

"Wasn't aware you wanted one?" He chuckles loudly. It sounds familiar and absolutely nothing like the laugh in the flashback. I'm glad I can tell these memories apart. He reaches for one of my bags, and I go for the other, but he takes them both. We walk away from the station. My feet know the walk, they're moving but it feels foreign after all this time.

"Raising geese," I feel my eyebrows aching up.

"The hobby I want to take up."

"Really?" I'm surprised Haymitch wants to take up an activity, anything that involves him moving of his couch.

"Well it was either that or home brewing."

"Was it just the two?" I hear a hooting somewhere in the distance. Must be in the woods. I haven't heard any sounds from the wilderness since the last time I was home, since before the Quarter Quell.

"Well since I'm not much of a man for flower arranging or crafts. Yes, those were the only viable choices. And plus the cooking and hunting domains where already taken." He laughs again, "I think I'll leave the cooking and hunting to you two." This time I laugh. I can't imagine Haymitch in the kitchen or in the woods.

"So she's been hunting?" A light bursts inside my chest.

He frowns, "no I didn't say that. Surprised you weren't onto me about the girl sooner actually." His words make me plummet and the absence of an answer makes me jittery.

"I was overwhelmed." I say. I don't add I was expecting to make the walk alone but I know he understands my meaning by the nod he gives me.

"So you still love her." I'm not sure if he says it as a statement or a question.

"I still do." As I walk I realise there's a crunching with each step I take. I look down and see that the path is laid with gravel now. It's new. I remember it was dirt path before. It's the gravel crunching under my shoes. It's a nice and calming sound.

"Had to check." There was limited lighting here before. I remember I came to pick things up from the station. Now there's bright light illuminating the way to town. It's beautiful the way light floods the path, but everything else stays in darkness. I would love to capture that on the canvas.

Haymitch hasn't told me anything about Katniss so far. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what he has to say but I need to. I need to know. I still love her. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of how she is with everything that's happened.

"I was ready to hang my coat up. I was so close. You have no idea. Then I got the call from Effie. I was glad I hadn't ripped my phone out. Though I do wish Plutarch would stop pestering me about that singing program. He thinks it'd be good fun for her. I told him she might never speak again let alone sing. He's talking about fun. Sweetheart she doesn't know the meaning of the word. What an amusing man he is. I'll give him that. She's unreachable." Panic seizes me. I know it's not from a flashback. It's fear, pure and utter fear.

"In the land of devastation."

"Exactly. You still on the ball boy. I should send that doctor a gift." Now for sure I know that Katniss isn't well. Her body is here but her mind isn't. The girl I love might be alive but she's gone. I'm too late. She's alive in body not in spirit. It dawns on me that part of my nightmare is true. She's dead and Haymitch is too late to save her. There's nothing he could have done. Prim's gone. Prim was her axis. Her sister was her reason, her need and her drive to survive.

"She doesn't see me. Each time I go. There's no response. I know she hasn't heard or seen me. She just watches the wall. I'm not sure if she realises that a day ends and a new one begins. It's all one and the same to her. She doesn't see it. " Now Prim is gone what would give her life meaning? What about her mother? What about Gale? I feel a rush of hate burn through me. Gale. He probably doesn't want her now. Now that Katniss is broken he doesn't love her. Acidity rises up my throat and burns. How I hate him. I feel a knot in my stomach. It is the tell-tale sign of a flash back. I need to get my thoughts away from Gale before I collapse into an episode. Haymitch senses the shift in me and his hands are on me.

"She needs you." I feel his eyes on me.

"No, no she doesn't," I shake my head vigorously, "She's never needed me. Nobody's ever needed me."

My mind is over flooded with memories. My mother hitting me with the wooden rolling pin, and it hurts, it really hurts. The pain lasted for days and the dark bruises stayed for a long time. I made sure to wear long sleeved tops. In the next I'm just a little boy and I'm sent to bed without my stale bread soup. I come home from the games and dad's the only person who wants to talk to me. The bakery carries on without me and my tasks get split between my brothers. I see myself walk into the bakery and still their laughter. I see Katniss and I standing at the Cornucopia, she lifts up her bow to my heart when she hears the rule change. She wants to kill me. She wants me dead. She hates me. I'm the last thing she wants. Not real, not real. She didn't want to kill me.

Haymitch's hands grip my shoulders, "That's not true boy. You're the only chance we have of bring her back. Bringing her back from that place. Only you can do that. Only you can bring her back to this world."

"I've never been the one she wants. She's never wanted me. Not for one minute. It's never been me. Never." I hear myself say. A memory floats to my mind Katniss kissing me and then wiping her mouth the moment there were no eyes were on us. I see her she's standing in the bathroom in her nightclothes, scrubbing her lips raw with a cloth until they're raw with blood. The blood drops hit the sink. All of colours are bright, the blood ruby and shining in the pristine white sink. No. It's not real. That's not real. Haymitch's hands grip me hard, "You gave her hope once with the bread. I know you can do it again." I focus on his voice. I clung to it, with desperation.

"She couldn't have done it without you. You were her hope, her security and her comfort. She knew that she could depend on you. You were a constant. You never wavered." I grip onto his voice like a rope to bring me back to reality. I feel the knot in my stomach come apart. I open my eyes and Haymitch's eyes have an intense look. He's worried. My mind is reeling from the memories.

"I've been unwanted and hurt one to many times by people who were supposed to love me." I hear myself say. I dig my shoes into the gravel. I'm not used to talking about my emotions and myself like that. It's foreign and it makes me feel exposed. Dr. Aurelius said I had a negative trait of dismissing my emotional state and pretending I was ok.

"I know boy," he exhales, "I'm sorry. Sorry for all I've inflicted upon you."

"None of this was your fault. That was the world we lived in. You did what you could to protect us."

He exhales, "I did my best. " We've never had an exchange quite like this one. It feels raw. I think it's meant to feel like that.

"My mind gets overloaded. Sometimes I'm flooded with all these emotions. I just try to stay afloat." His eyes are intense on me for a moment as I calm myself down. I can see the extent of the shadows under Haymitch's eyes. We can't lose Haymitch. He and Effie are all we've got now.

"Afloat, good word kid. Her mother's gone. Gale's in Two."

My eyebrows arch up in surprise, "It's not how you think. Really. Trust me on this." He moves away from me, picks up the bags, and we start walking again. I just nod in response. I'm clueless so I stay silent.

"It was the only way. For sweetheart anyway." I frown at the words. It was the only way. What does he mean? How was it the only way for her? I'm trying to understand Haymitch's meaning. I know that's how they both are sometimes, their words are connected to something, but I can't see that meaning.

"It wasn't a mutual decision. I'll give you that." We walk in the darkness now. The lights are behind us now. There isn't any this way, the same as it was before. My heart quickens as I spot the sign of the Victors Village. The only house with the lights on is Haymitch's. I see my house. I'll actually be inside in a matter of time and see my beloved kitchen. I can't wait to bake. It's been months since I baked in freedom. We pass under the sign and I sigh deeply. I'm finally here. I've made it. I'm standing only a distance from my house.

I look over at Haymitch and see the deliberation in his eyes. He's wondering if he should tell me or not. Didn't we agree to not keep secrets any more? I remember that. I remember my outburst of anger with clarity up in that attic.

"I guess it's no secret. And it's not like she can tell you. Neither can she storm into my house threatening me with her bow for telling you. Though I wish she would." He wishes Katniss would elicit any sort of emotion, even if it was wrath or anger, it'd be better then nothing. She'd feel something. She'd show spark of life.

My feet are moving me forward and just like that I'm standing at the front door of my house. Haymitch produces something silver and shinny from his pocket besides me. I flinch. It's shinny and sharp also. It's like a needle. I step away from him. My heart is racing. He steps towards the door not towards me. The door opens. Haymitch stands inside. The lights flicker on. My mind clicks. The key. Haymitch had the key. My heart is still hammering in my chest. I step inside. I'm making myself breathe. I move towards the kitchen, pour myself a glass for my dry throat, and drink it in one go. Haymitch has sat on the sofa. I pour him a glass of water too. I sit besides him and put the glass on the table.

'It's up to me to tell you. She can't and you should know of course." He picks up the conversation where we left it. Haymitch wants to tell me. He cares about it. I feel it again just as I did at the station. He is looking out for me, trying the best he can. I nod to show I'm listening.

"So that moment. The moment, when the bombs obliterated the children along with the medics its part of history now, yet to her it'll always be personal. I can't imagine she'd want to talk to anybody about it, ever. Those bombs are the reason neither of them is here. As you can imagine her mother would have never been able to cope here, have a life, and she knows she can't do anything for her daughter. She couldn't then and she can't now. It's something she knows. It was better this way. You know those bombs they were the rebellions, to be specific Gale's invention. He was the mastermind behind them." This new information hits me. Those bombs, those bombs that killed Prim and all those children. I saw it. I don't want to remember the footage I saw.

The wheels are turning in my head with Gale being the mastermind behind the bombs. He was in the team that came to rescue me. I remember him there. During the rebellion that's what he must have been involved in, apart from training he must have been involved in weapon development, that's not surprising. I can't imagine what their encounter was like after those bombs. They must have had one. I don't imagine she had much to say or that he did. I understand now what Haymitch meant by it wasn't a mutual decision.

He was her best friend, they'd always taken care of each other's families, and now her sister was gone. He knew that Prim meant everything to Katniss. The very thing that tied them together came apart at the seams. How could she look him in the eye and separate him from her sister's death. There was nothing he could say and really nothing that could be said. His only choice was to leave even if that wasn't what he wanted. There couldn't have been another way.

"So now you know. It's just us kid. I sure hope it stays that way." He takes the glass and drinks slowly unlike me.

"It will." I don't know why but I want to reassure Haymitch. He's lost so much too. I don't want him to worry any more than he already does.

"We can hope boy. We can hope we don't lose sweetheart one of these days." His words send fear inside me. Pure fear courses through me and manifests itself in my chest. My head is spinning. That's the one thing. She's the one thing I've always been afraid of loosing. It started with the fear of losing her to hunger, to the games or to Snow. Then followed by the constant fear I would eventually lose her to Gale or after she'd die in the rebellion. I'm so close I can't lose her now. Maybe I've already lost her. I make myself breathe. That can't and isn't true. It's not real. She's alive. She's here. I can't lose her when I'm so close. I wouldn't let her die, ever. The thought makes my head snap up. If I have anything to do with it Katniss will live even if she doesn't love or want me.

I look over at Haymitch and his eyes are glassy. His eyes tell me everything. For him to lose Katniss would break his heart. He doesn't need to say anything I see it, wrinkles on his face that weren't there before, and the shadows under his eyes. He can't have slept much more then a few hours a day these past months I've been gone. The realisation dawns on me he loves us and now he's like a father to us both. Katniss lost her dad at a young age so he feels protective of her and now he shouldering the pain of seeing Katniss like that.

"We wouldn't. We can't."

"I don't know boy. You haven't seen her." He exhales.

"Well no. But I can hope. If I got better there's hope for her too."

"See that's why you are the superior of this trio like sweetheart once said. She had that right." I frown at him and the realisation flashes across his eyes.

"You weren't there." I nod. I wonder how many more instances like this have passed between Katniss and Haymitch without my presence.

Exhaustion suddenly hits me. It's been a long and emotional day. The conversation with Haymitch has been a roller coaster. I want to lie down in my own bed and process everything.

"You ok here?" He looks at me.

I give him a tired smile, "I'm. I'll be."

"You sure? I can stay."

"Thanks Haymitch. I think I'll be ok."

"Well you know where to find me."

He gets up and he's out the door. I find myself at the window watching after him. From my periphery I see the darkness of Katniss's house again and it makes me shudder. The darkness is unnerving.

I don't have the energy to make it up the stairs. I take off my prosthetic and curl up on the sofa.


	4. Into the Night

Hi dear readers! I'm SO sorry for the delay in update. I went on vacation and I was hoping to have time to write and update but I didn't. Now I'm back and I've got to writing as soon as I could! I want to dedicate this chapter to my friend XNERDYX who always gives me something to think about and inspires me with her feedback. I appreciate all of you so much and all your follows. Thank you for those who have recently followed! It made me smile to come on and see I've gained some follows. If any of you have any suggestions or just want to chat my pm is always open. I would love to hear what you think and hear any suggestions for ahead. Thank you once all so much! Sending you all wishes for a great weekend. I love writing this story and hope you love reading it.

I want to sleep but I can't. I'm only drifting in and out. In and out. I'm in the darkness, but I can hear the hooting call I heard earlier, and my mind keeps racing. The vision of Katniss' house dark and sombre haunts me especially so after the conversation with Haymitch. My mind is spinning with everything he's told me. His words chase me at every thought. _She's unreachable_. _She just watches the wall._ _We can hope we don't lose sweetheart one of these days. Unreachable, unresponsive, devastated, defeated…_ I can't get my thoughts to stop racing.

I can't do this any more. I need to know. I need to know she's alive. Actually see that she's breathing, that she hasn't left this world. I need to see it for myself otherwise these thoughts they wouldn't leave me. My mind would never stop racing with images of her eyes still and her body cold to the touch, cold under the touch of my fingers. I practically jump of the sofa and speed to the door that I hear her scream. Katniss's scream.

A chill runs down my body. She wants to kill me. She hates me. She wants me dead. This is all a set up. A set up, a trap for me to walk into. No, no. Not real, not real. She's had so many chances. And taken none of them. I'm the one who tried to kill her. My hands. I was going to kill her with my two hands. She was choking and I wasn't letting go. I just kept tightening my hold and closing my hands around her. I wanted to kill her. I was programmed to kill her. Real. It was me who wanted her dead. Real.

Another scream rings out into the night. It fills the darkness and it echoes. This is a scream of utter and absolute terror. She's hurting. It sounds feral like a wild animal would make. I stiffen with dread and familiarity. She's hurting. I've heard her scream before. A memory comes to me, I'm watching her flail around in her sleep and she's screaming. Her face is distressed. I'm holding her. I'm talking to her. I get her out of it and I hold her. She falls apart in my arms. I stroke her hair making no attempts on the tangles because I don't want her to feel self-conscious. She's so small in my arms.

She needs me. Haymitch was right. She needs me to save her from the nightmares. I can't let them win. I will be there for her in whatever capacity she needs me.

I push at the door and it opens. The door is unlocked. I'm inside Katniss' house. It feels empty. Anybody could walk in though I know nobody would with Katniss being a victor. Whose now a revolutionary as well. Nobody would dare. I wonder if this is this a sign she wants me to go to her? I doubt it is considering her state of mind. Locking her door is the last thing she'd ever think about. She screams again. It penetrates every part of me. It fills the house. It bounces of the walls and the furniture. My heart is racing. I bound up the stairs. Her screams get louder and more chilling.

I'm pretty sure she can be heard all the way in the Seam. I know Haymitch has heard every scream in his house and he can't do anything about it. No wonder he's got those dark shadows under his eyes. All of the time I've been gone I imagine most of their nights have passed like this. Katniss screaming every time she attempts sleep. Haymitch awake hearing every agonising scream and unable to do anything but face Katniss' pain over and over again. Her screams a constant reminder to him and adding fuel to his nightmares. There's no escape even in sleep from what we've done, what we've had to do. Every day and night is a reminder that we are alive at the cost of others. This is what being a victor is. Haymitch knows that very well.

Her scream makes my heart tremor.

I'm standing at the white door, the door of her bedroom. I hesitate in the silence between her screams. I compose myself. I put my hand on the handle and just like that I'm inside. I don't know what I was expecting but I see her tangled in her sheet. I sigh. She's alive. I see her arms thrashing from side to side. I move towards the bed and see her. I gasp. She's all skin and bones. Her hands are thin like branches. I collapse onto the edge of the bed and put my face in my hands. It's as bad as Haymitch described and at the same time so much worse. Her scream makes me jump. I should have been expecting it.

"I've got you Katniss. It's a nightmare, just a nightmare." I hear myself say.

I tug and twist the sheet from around her legs. I struggle somewhat as she flails around but I unwrap it from around her. Her trashing slows somewhat compared to before. Maybe it's from being freed from the sheet, or maybe it's my voice. It'd be nice to think it's the latter.

"I'm here with you. I hope you don't mind. I wish you don't, you know." The words spill from my mouth without a thought.

I want to cry but I can't. I can't cry now because I don't know if I'll be able to get myself out of that state and the last thing I need is to fall into an episode right now so I focus on the task before me. I smooth the sheet and put it over her. I'm afraid to touch her. She looks so frail.

"I'm sorry. About what you may ask…that I've hurt you and caused you pain. And I'm sorry for everything you've lost and for the devastation you're facing now. I'm sorry" I repeat it again like it would make a difference but I know it can't. I know it can't change anything. Those things that have happened can't be undoing.

She's just swaying slightly now. I sit near the top of the bed and despite my fear to touch her moments earlier my fingers seek out hers. It's a mixture of courage and of the magnetism of my love. I gently slide my fingers and wrap them around her bony ones. I wouldn't call it intertwine because to me the word carries the implication of a voluntary act between two people and it's just me doing this. I'm holding her hand. It's seems so slender and small. She's alive. I will help her. I will do it. I can't stand to never see her smile again, but right now it appears like a real possibility, and I feel my heart tighten with the realisation. I might to be late. I probably already I'm but I'll try anyway. I will try. I wouldn't and can't give up on her. I can't give up on the girl I love.

"I promise you, Katniss."

This might be the only chance I have to sweep her into my arms as Effie puts it, but Katniss wouldn't have a choice, and I don't want it to be like that. My heart sinks into an ocean of melancholy and sorrow. I want to hold her but not without her consent, her knowledge. It wouldn't be right. It doesn't feel right to sweep her into my arms after all this time so I just stroke her hair. I stroke her hair and try to commit the texture of it to memory because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I wouldn't get this chance again and this is the last time. The last time I get to do this. I have the intense urge to cry.

"I'm here. I'm holding your hand. I always will if you let me. You must know. I'm not quite sure what it'll do with myself if you don't want me. I really don't know. But I'd do it if that were what you'd wanted. If that's what you wanted from me."

My fingers slip from her and I cradle her hand. Her body seems still and her arms relax so her fingers are no longer stiff. I let out a deep sigh. The sound of my voice must have reached her. My heart jumps in excitement but I realise I'm acting on impulsive. I maybe of comfort to her but it doesn't mean that she wants to be with me. I don't know what to expect. Nothing turned out the way I wanted and it's the same for Katniss. To think that the desire to save her sister started all of this and now her sister is gone from this world. Katniss couldn't have done any more. Hell she did everything she could and still she lost her, we lost her. Her body curls into the sheet and I can't help, but smile weakly. Tears swell in my eyes and threaten to break free which they do. They roll down my cheek and hit the sheet.

Why did all these things happen to us? Didn't we both suffer? Didn't we suffer enough? Didn't I suffer for the both of us? Apparently not. All I wanted was for her to live and live she did, but she's lost everything.

She's so small and so hurt. Her sister, her axis is now gone. All the people she once loved are gone. Her father, her sister, Madge, Gale and his family. I guess her mother in a way despite their conflicting relationship. What she has is Haymitch and I. She didn't choose us. More accurately she didn't get a choice. None of us did.

I think she does love me, _did love me_. I wipe the tears from my eyes.

Everyday she wakes up to all the loss, the loss of Prim and this house empty. The house silent, quiet and still. Her hours are idle and dark. Before she walked Prim to school every morning, went hunting in the woods for Gale's family and traded at the Hob. Now all of that is gone too. Just gone. Everything she knew she'll never have again. I can't imagine how the hollowness hits her anew before she's even left her bed. What is there to get up to and for when there's nothing she's got to do and nobody waiting for her. The absence of those things she had and did before. It's no wonder she doesn't want to come out. To journey outside would only serve as a reminder, no just another affirmation of her loss and of the reality that's the present. .

"Oh Katniss. I'm sorry. Sorry for being so selfish. I'm happy you're still alive so I have a reason yet you've lost everything. How can I feel lucky and grateful your alive?" I press her hand to my lips and kiss her it gently.

"I need a reason to live Katniss and that's you. It's always been you. You don't know but seeing you got me through the days of my mothers abusive. Seeing you with your dad and then your sister."

Tears drop onto her hand and roll some way down her arm.

I feel her stir and my heart quickens but she carries on sleeping. I'm thankful for this. I don't have any energy for any more emotions today.

I know why these things happened to us and still I ask myself why they had to. Snow's gone yet our lives are full of the devastation, full of nightmares and pain. The war is over and we've faced more loss and devastation.

"No more children will die every year." The words take me by surprise. It's only now the realisation hits me. No more children will die. All the implications of this new world haven't fully sunk in yet. It will take time.

"We get to live for yourself now. We don't have to pretend. There'll be no more cameras'…we aren't who we once were neither are our lives but at least our lives belong to ourselves. We wouldn't have to be mentors and live with deaths of innocents. It's something." I brush her hair feeling the knots in it. I lean down and kiss her forehead. She's warm and alive. How I wish she didn't have all this hurt.

I take a look at her and I take her in, filling the gaps left in my mind, in my memory. There's the arch of her eyebrows, her cheekbone and the curve of her neck that I etch into my memory. I wish I could hold her. I want to, I really want to but I can't. It would be so easy to lie down and curl up besides her but I can't.

"Now you have the choice to love me or walk away. There's nothing at stake now, no lives at risk." I say

"Just my heart." I realise that's true. My heart is at stake. It's been that way for a long time.

It wouldn't be the first time she's hurt me. I see her eyes burning with anger, she's got me backed into a corner, and she cuts my hand open. Not real. Not real. I bleed. She hisses at the sight of my blood. Not real. The memory vanishes but is replaced by another. She holding me, smiling at me, kissing me but she's simulating. It's a trick. She tricks me into think she loves me. Not real, not real. She didn't do it because she wanted to or because she wanted me. I squeeze my eyes shut. I feel the strands of her hair under my fingers. Another memory pushes through. Katniss ignoring me for days, that turn into weeks, which become months. She doesn't say a word to me. It's like I don't exist to her. It wasn't like that. I hear a murmur and feel the tremble of her fingers. The memory lifts like a fog from my mind. My eyes open and I see her.

"Peeta" her fingers curve into mine. Her breathing is continuous and rhythmic. She's asleep.

I'm taken aback. I get the urge to lie down besides her again so I get up.

She never wanted to hurt me and didn't intend to if she did. She cares about me. Maybe she loves me. My heart flutters. Don't get too hopeful Peeta, I tell myself.

I don't want to leave. I wouldn't get a wink of sleep tonight if I do. I notice the armchair in her room and eye it cautiously. She wouldn't know I was here and I'm not going to have an episode while I'm sleeping. It's safe. It would be so nice to sleep.

Katniss continues to sleep peacefully. I don't have to worry tonight. She's alive and I'm going to try to get her back. What we need to do is adapt to our loss and accept that these are our lives now. This is what we have. This brokenness is what we have and we must learn how to live with that. I don't know if she'll regain the will to live. I can only hope. Just like I can only hope she loves me. I will not worry about that tonight. Not tonight. Tonight she'll have a restful sleep and so will I. We're alive and we're here. We're both here.

I drag myself to the chair and fall into it. I take off my prosthetic. I catch her burrowing her fingers into her pillow. It's so tender…it's like I imagine a baby squirrel nestles into its hole or a baby badger burrowing into its sett. My eyes are closing out of their own accord. I wouldn't let you slip out of life into death Katniss. As long as I'm here I wouldn't let that happen. I promise.


End file.
